What's the Grossest Appendage Removed During 'Conan the Barbarian'? (and 24 Other Urgent Questions)

Who was it that ever said, "Do you remember those 'Conan the Barbarian' movies from the early '80s? The ones with Schwarzenegger? No, no... before 'Red Heat.' I really hope they remake that movie. I would go to that." Well, as it turns out, that one person has now had their wish fulfilled. Will anyone other than that one person be happy while sitting through 'Conan the Barbarian'? As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Conan the Barbarian.

Q: How does Conan the Barbarian begin?

A: With a voiceover by Morgan Freeman.

Q: Ha, ha. Sure. No, really, how does 'Conan the Barbarian' begin?

A: It actually does begin with the sound of Freeman's iconic yet noticeably reserved -- in a "where do I pick up my paycheck?" type way -- voice.

Q: What is Morgan Freeman's greatest performance?

A: I know the man has won an Oscar, but, to date, his greatest performance is this sneeze on 'The Electric Company.'

Q: What does Morgan Freeman tell us in his voiceover?

A: Something about a magic mask that turns the wearer into a very powerful person. And that mask was divided into multiple parts to prevent someone from becoming powerful.

Q: When do we first meet Conan?

A: We meet Conan still in the womb. The woman he is living inside at the time is fairly inexplicably doing battle with a man holding a sword.

Q: So how is Conan born?

A: Conan is born prematurely as a result of "sword to the womb."

Q: Who then raises Conan?

A: Conan's father, Corin (Ron Pearlman), raises Conan while also leading his people, the Cimmerians.

Q: Does Corin teach Conan to be a great warrior?

A: Pre-teen Conan participates in a race, against much older competition, in which the winner has to finish first and keep an unbroken egg in his mouth. During this race, Conan is ambushed by some sort of tribe of rival warriors. A tribe of rival warriors who don't stand a chance because none of their names are in the title of the movie that we are watching.

Q: Wait, wasn't there something about a mask?

A: Oh, yeah... as it turns out, Corin has a the final piece of the mask that an evil man named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) needs to complete his set of mask pieces. In his quest for this complete set, Khalar kills everyone in the village except for Conan because, again, his name is in the title of the movie.

Q: So now, with the complete mask, Khalar is all-powerful?

A: You would think! But, alas, no. For the mask to work, Khalar and his daughter, Marique, (Rose McGowan) need to find a live virgin... or maybe it was a live chicken? No, wait, it was something about pureblooded descendant from someone who was once important for some reason or another. Regardless, that person turns out to be Tamara played by Rachel Nichols.

Q: The ESPN reporter?

A: No, that is a completely different Rachel Nichols.

Q: How many times have you written "Conan O'Bri" before having to hit your delete button five times, then retype "the Barbarian" so far in this piece?

A: Three.

Watch the trailer for 'Conan the Barbarian'
Q: What kind of accent does Jason Momoa's Conan have?

A: Midwestern? There certainly is no attempt by Momoa to change his dialect to anything other than what he most likely picked up while living in Iowa. Put it this way: Conan the Barbarian would have done very well in last week's Republican straw poll.

Q: How many people are killed during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: I counted 113.

Q: What was the most ingenious way to kill someone during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: A captain who runs a prison is captured by Conan. Conan promises the captain that he will not die by the hands of Conan. Conan forces the captain to swallow the prison keys, then Conan tells the prisoners that the keys to their freedom is in the captain's stomach. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'd be more pissed off about this if I were the captain or a prisoner who is going to have to touch a very gross set of keys.

Q: In 'Conan the Barbarian,' how many people die by being shot as a human catapult?

A: One.

Q: What's the most surprising appendage that is sliced off during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: A nose.

Q: What's the most surprising thing you learned about the world that 'Conan the Barbarian' lives in?

A: That every resident of the world that Conan lives in either has terrible, terrible teeth or perfect teeth. There is no in-between. Apparently if you have a dental plan on this world, it is quite comprehensive.

Q: What's the most disturbing thing about 'Conan the Barbarian.'

A: The somewhat incestual relationship between Khalar and his daughter, Marique.

Q: Did you enjoy 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian' slightly more than I thought that I would -- but that means absolutely nothing. This is the equivalent of me saying, "You know, I really wasn't looking forward to that appendectomy, but I was out of the hospital in three days instead of four and I don't feel the pain because of all of the Vicodin I'm currently taking." So, please, do not read too much into that statement.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for 'Conan the Barbarian,' what quote do you think will be used?

A: "Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian'!" Mike Ryan, Moviefone

Q: Should I see 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: Oh, for heaven's sake, no.

Q: What was wrong with 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: It's just unnecessary and brings less life and fun to the proceedings than the two prior films. If you need to see 'Conan the Barbarian' in action, watch the original Schwarzenegger version or even 'Conan the Destroyer.'

Q: Wait, is this the movie that features a young CGI version of Arnold Schwarzenegger?

A: No. You're thinking of 'Terminator: Salvation.'

Q: Seriously, Morgan Freeman really does the voiceover? I mean, really?

A: Yes.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.
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What's the Saddest Movie Ever Made? Science Knows the Answer

It's easy to make someone cry. Just show them a key two-and-a-half-minute scene from what scientists have determined is the Saddest Movie Ever Made.

According to Smithsonian.com, scientific study has determined that the most reliable tearjerker of all time is 1979's 'The Champ,' in which washed-up boxer Jon Voight returns to the ring in order to earn enough to retain custody of his son, Ricky Schroder. Particularly, the climactic scene where -- spoiler alert! -- the little boy watches his battered dad die (end spoiler). It's a moment that makes Schroder and the hardened old men in the scene all bawl their eyes out, and it's all but guaranteed to do the same to you.

Those are the findings of James Gross and Robert Levenson (you can read their study in this PDF document), who spent years looking for the optimum film clip to make people cry so that they could serve as test subjects for other social scientists' experiments on how sadness affects people's behavior. Using film to induce tears was quicker, more efficient and more ethical than, say, telling people their families had been harmed or that they were suffering from some awful disease. After all, people willingly pay good money to see movies that make them weep, and they go home without being permanently traumatized.

Turns out that watching Schroder and Voight's climactic scene was the best way to get the waterworks flowing fast, although watching Bambi lose his mother to a hunter's bullet in 'Bambi' works pretty well, too.

'The Champ' Finale (Scroll to 5:25 for the Scene Guaranteed to Make You Cry)

Gross and Levenson also found the best films to elicit other emotions as well. The quickest route to amusement, they found, was through Meg Ryan's orgasm-in-the-deli scene in 'When Harry Met Sally.' Easiest way to scare folks is via 'The Shining' or 'The Silence of the Lambs.' For obvious reasons, John Waters' 'Pink Flamingos' is the easiest way to elicit disgust, and the films that get people the most riled are the bullying drama 'My Bodyguard' and the apartheid saga 'Cry Freedom.'

'The Champ,' though, is a fascinating find, since it works just as well on men as it does on women. For all the premium our culture places on men holding back their tears, it seems there's no shame in sobbing over sports movies, particularly ones involving fathers and sons or early death. Guys, it's officially OK to cry over 'Rudy' or 'Field of Dreams.' Tears are also allowed for 'Brian's Song' and 'Bang the Drum Slowly.'

Even for women and children, there's something a little embarrassing about crying at movies; the word "tearjerker" implies that we moviegoers have to have the tears violently yanked from our resistant eyes. There seems to be something sadistic about making children sit through the mother's death in 'Bambi,' or similar animal deaths in 'Old Yeller' or 'The Lion King,' even though we all watched them as kids ourselves and didn't grow up to be sociopaths.

Critics often deride movies that make us cry as shameless and manipulative. But secretly, we like to be manipulated at the movies. We yearn for catharsis. We like horror movies to scare us, mysteries to surprise us, action movies to thrill us, and tearjerkers to make us weep. Many years ago, I interviewed Billy Crystal upon the release of his tearjerker 'Mr. Saturday Night,' and he lampooned the critics who resented how manipulative the movie was. "Damn you for making us feel something," he paraphrased.

Since that's what we actually want movies to do, feel free to cite below your favorite tearjerking movie. Maybe you cried at the end of 'Brokeback Mountain,' when a bereft Heath Ledger says, "Jack, I swear ..." to an empty shirt in a closet. Or maybe during 'The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,' when Sam tells Frodo he can't carry the other hobbit's terrible burden, "but I can carry you." Or maybe at the endings of 'Toy Story 3' or 'E.T.' Or maybe during 'In America,' when the 'E.T.'-inspired immigrant dad risks his last dollar at a carnival to win a stuffed toy for his daughter. (Or, if you're like me, maybe you cried at all of these.)

Which movie is guaranteed to make you cry?

Follow Gary Susman on Twitter: @garysusman.

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