What's the Grossest Appendage Removed During 'Conan the Barbarian'? (and 24 Other Urgent Questions)

Who was it that ever said, "Do you remember those 'Conan the Barbarian' movies from the early '80s? The ones with Schwarzenegger? No, no... before 'Red Heat.' I really hope they remake that movie. I would go to that." Well, as it turns out, that one person has now had their wish fulfilled. Will anyone other than that one person be happy while sitting through 'Conan the Barbarian'? As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Conan the Barbarian.

Q: How does Conan the Barbarian begin?

A: With a voiceover by Morgan Freeman.

Q: Ha, ha. Sure. No, really, how does 'Conan the Barbarian' begin?

A: It actually does begin with the sound of Freeman's iconic yet noticeably reserved -- in a "where do I pick up my paycheck?" type way -- voice.

Q: What is Morgan Freeman's greatest performance?

A: I know the man has won an Oscar, but, to date, his greatest performance is this sneeze on 'The Electric Company.'

Q: What does Morgan Freeman tell us in his voiceover?

A: Something about a magic mask that turns the wearer into a very powerful person. And that mask was divided into multiple parts to prevent someone from becoming powerful.

Q: When do we first meet Conan?

A: We meet Conan still in the womb. The woman he is living inside at the time is fairly inexplicably doing battle with a man holding a sword.

Q: So how is Conan born?

A: Conan is born prematurely as a result of "sword to the womb."

Q: Who then raises Conan?

A: Conan's father, Corin (Ron Pearlman), raises Conan while also leading his people, the Cimmerians.

Q: Does Corin teach Conan to be a great warrior?

A: Pre-teen Conan participates in a race, against much older competition, in which the winner has to finish first and keep an unbroken egg in his mouth. During this race, Conan is ambushed by some sort of tribe of rival warriors. A tribe of rival warriors who don't stand a chance because none of their names are in the title of the movie that we are watching.

Q: Wait, wasn't there something about a mask?

A: Oh, yeah... as it turns out, Corin has a the final piece of the mask that an evil man named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) needs to complete his set of mask pieces. In his quest for this complete set, Khalar kills everyone in the village except for Conan because, again, his name is in the title of the movie.

Q: So now, with the complete mask, Khalar is all-powerful?

A: You would think! But, alas, no. For the mask to work, Khalar and his daughter, Marique, (Rose McGowan) need to find a live virgin... or maybe it was a live chicken? No, wait, it was something about pureblooded descendant from someone who was once important for some reason or another. Regardless, that person turns out to be Tamara played by Rachel Nichols.

Q: The ESPN reporter?

A: No, that is a completely different Rachel Nichols.

Q: How many times have you written "Conan O'Bri" before having to hit your delete button five times, then retype "the Barbarian" so far in this piece?

A: Three.

Watch the trailer for 'Conan the Barbarian'
Q: What kind of accent does Jason Momoa's Conan have?

A: Midwestern? There certainly is no attempt by Momoa to change his dialect to anything other than what he most likely picked up while living in Iowa. Put it this way: Conan the Barbarian would have done very well in last week's Republican straw poll.

Q: How many people are killed during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: I counted 113.

Q: What was the most ingenious way to kill someone during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: A captain who runs a prison is captured by Conan. Conan promises the captain that he will not die by the hands of Conan. Conan forces the captain to swallow the prison keys, then Conan tells the prisoners that the keys to their freedom is in the captain's stomach. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'd be more pissed off about this if I were the captain or a prisoner who is going to have to touch a very gross set of keys.

Q: In 'Conan the Barbarian,' how many people die by being shot as a human catapult?

A: One.

Q: What's the most surprising appendage that is sliced off during 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: A nose.

Q: What's the most surprising thing you learned about the world that 'Conan the Barbarian' lives in?

A: That every resident of the world that Conan lives in either has terrible, terrible teeth or perfect teeth. There is no in-between. Apparently if you have a dental plan on this world, it is quite comprehensive.

Q: What's the most disturbing thing about 'Conan the Barbarian.'

A: The somewhat incestual relationship between Khalar and his daughter, Marique.

Q: Did you enjoy 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian' slightly more than I thought that I would -- but that means absolutely nothing. This is the equivalent of me saying, "You know, I really wasn't looking forward to that appendectomy, but I was out of the hospital in three days instead of four and I don't feel the pain because of all of the Vicodin I'm currently taking." So, please, do not read too much into that statement.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for 'Conan the Barbarian,' what quote do you think will be used?

A: "Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian'!" Mike Ryan, Moviefone

Q: Should I see 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: Oh, for heaven's sake, no.

Q: What was wrong with 'Conan the Barbarian'?

A: It's just unnecessary and brings less life and fun to the proceedings than the two prior films. If you need to see 'Conan the Barbarian' in action, watch the original Schwarzenegger version or even 'Conan the Destroyer.'

Q: Wait, is this the movie that features a young CGI version of Arnold Schwarzenegger?

A: No. You're thinking of 'Terminator: Salvation.'

Q: Seriously, Morgan Freeman really does the voiceover? I mean, really?

A: Yes.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.
Follow Moviefone on Twitter.

View the original article here

Does James Franco Lose an Arm During 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

On Friday, a 'Planet of the Apes' movie will be available at a theater near you. It's the seventh one, actually, so perhaps you're excited already? Then again, the last one probably came out before you were born. That is, unless you count the one starring Mark Wahlberg that was released in 2001, but, alas, you don't count that one because it was awful. This one stars James Franco! You like him! Well, unless you watched the last Oscars telecast, then you may not like him anymore. Regardless, as a service to you, we answer every possible question that you may have about 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes.'

Q: 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' is awful, right?
A: Surprisingly, it's not awful. In fact, it's quite good.

Q: Wait, I see what's going on here: Now that you're at AOL, this means you're holding back and you can't use words like "bullsh*t" or "a**hole" to describe a movie that you don't like?**
A: Look, I regret to inform you that if it's words like "bullsh*t" or "a**hole" that you're looking for, you're not going to find either of those words anywhere in this piece. This is family site.

Q: Are you making me think that I'm on another planet in which all 'Planet of the Apes' movies are actually good – then I'll discover that I've been on Earth all along but Fox is in charge and, by law, this movie must be declared good?
A: A) I think we may already live on that planet, and B) law or not, 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' is up there with 'X-Men: First Class' as the best movie of the summer.

Q: 'X-Men: First Class'? That's another Fox film. Wait, have you fallen victim to this whole hacking kerfuffle?
A: To the best of my knowledge, I have not been hacked by News Corp. So that has absolutely nothing to do with my adulation toward 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes.'

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' Trailer:
Q: Does James Franco play a lovable stoner in 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'?
A: There is no evidence of any illegal drug use by Franco's character, but I'm just going to assume "yes." Franco plays Will, a scientist who is running experiments on apes in an effort to find a cure for Alzheimer's disease.

Q: Is there an ape that has Alzheimer's disease?
A: No. Actually, Will's live-in father (the always great John Lithgow) is stricken with the disease, so Will has even more motivation to find a cure. What Will is attempting to do in 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' is so important, it could honestly change the course of humankind forever.

Q: If you're going got be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' what quote do you think will be used?
A: "'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' is so important, it could honestly change the course of humankind forever!" Mike Ryan, Vani Moviefone

Q: How does Will's treatment work?
A: Will develops a virus (yeah, you can probably see where this is eventually going) called the 112 that, hypothetically, attacks the disease in humans. But! In apes, it increases their intelligence levels through neurogenesis.

Q: Does 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' take place before or after Peter Gabriel left Neurogenesis?
A: You're thinking of the English rock group, Genesis. But, for the record, 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' does take place after Peter Gabriel left the band.

Q: When do the apes start rising in 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'?
A: One of the apes, named Bright Eyes, gets a little too overprotective of her newborn and causes quite a ruckus.

Q: Is Bright Eyes' real name Conor Oberst?
A: Well, technically, yes – but not the ape version. Unfortunately, Bright Eyes' behavior is blamed on the virus, not her motherly instincts. Will is told to start his program over from scratch and all of the apes are destroyed -- except for one.

Q: Which ape is not destroyed?
A: Will adopts Bright Eyes' son and raises the ape at home. He names the ape Caesar. Will builds a room in his attic for Caesar to live and train athletically.

Q: And that's how Caesar learned to play baseball?
A: 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' is in no way related to the Matt Leblanc comedy, 'Ed.'

Q: How does Caesar fit in, living domestically, with Will and his father?
A: Fairly well, at first. The film then, kind of inexplicably, jumps three years ahead and shows that the extremely intelligent Caesar is getting a little more inquisitive and rambunctious in his older age. An unapproved excursion into the neighbor's back yard leads to an injury that Caesar has to have treated by a zoo veterinarian named Caroline (Freida Pinto). Soon, Will and Caroline start dating.

Q: How is Will's father doing at this point?
A: Will has illegally started testing the 112 virus on his father. Not only does it cure his father's Alzheimer's, it also increases his father's cognitive ability to levels that they have never been at before. Then, again, even more inexplicably, the film jumps ahead: this time five years.

Q: Five years? Should I assume that Will and Caroline are married by this point?
A: No. But they are enjoying a picnic in the Redwood Forest with Caesar.

Q: So 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' spans eight years? Does James Franco look any different at the beginning of the movie than he does at the end?
A: James Franco's Will ages very well over the course of the film and, also, seems quite fond of the hairstyle that he keeps the whole time.

Q: What's the most unrealistic thing about 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'?
A: That, after five years of dating, not only has Will and Caroline's relationship not progressed, not only do they still look exactly the same -- but they still somehow enjoy going on picnics together. I call bullsh*t. (Yes, I lied)

Q: Is there any relation between 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' and the other 'Planet of the Apes' movies?
A: 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' has nothing to do with Tim Burton's awful 2001 film. Though, 'Rise' is very loosely associated with the original Charlton Heston film. Sort of.

Q: When do the apes start taking over the planet?
A: Unfortunately, Will's father's symptoms return, which results in a misunderstanding with the neighbor that becomes physical. Caesar, watching this altercation, intervenes. This results in a missing body part.

Q: Is this the scene in which Caesar chews off James Franco's right arm?
A: No, you're thinking of '127 Hours' and replacing "dull knife" with "ape teeth." Caesar actually bites off a finger of the irate neighbor. After, kind of understandably, Caesar isn't allowed to live with Will any longer. Caesar isn't happy about this and recruits some smart friends to follow him.

Q: Who gives the best performance in 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes'?
A: Andy Serkis as Caesar.

Andy Serkis offers an in-depth look at Caesar.
Q: Why is 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' so good?
A: Because it's unlike any of the other summer movies so far this year. Instead of The Good Guy who must confront The Bad Guy, we're given a wide spectrum of sympathetic characters. The apes aren't evil. Will isn't evil. Even Will's boss who is only interested in the research for monetary value isn't necessarily evil. (OK, Tom Felton's character is a d*ck). The film takes its time to build the characters so that at the end, when all hell breaks loose, we care what happens.

Q: Does a character utter the line "Get your hands off of me, you damn dirty ape"?
A: Yes.

Q: Does James Franco consider his performance in 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' performance art?
A: Probably.

** For new readers, say hello to '25 Questions,' an all-new feature that isn't afraid to ask the tough questions about the week's biggest movies. And for you long-term fans that have been following the series, get comfortable and enjoy its new home at Moviefone. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

View the original article here