'MacGruber' Movie Quotes

'MacGruber' is a feature-length film based on the 'Saturday Night Live' sketches parodying the classic sitcom 'MacGyver' from the 1980s. Starring many 'SNL' stars and alumni, the storyline focuses on a war hero who has been living in South America for the past 10 years after his wife was killed on their wedding day. When a nuclear bomb is stolen by his arch-nemesis, the American government asks him to lead the mission to destroy it. MacGruber (Will Forte) assembles his elite team with Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) and Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillipe) to fight Dieter von Cunth (Val Kilmer) and his mercenaries.
Here are a collection of the best and funniest quotes from the 'MacGruber' movie.

'MacGruber' is a feature-length film based on the 'Saturday Night Live' sketches parodying the classic sitcom 'MacGyver' from the 1980s. Starring many 'SNL' stars and alumni, the storyline focuses on a war hero who has been living in South America for the past 10 years after his wife was killed on their wedding day. When a nuclear bomb is stolen by his arch-nemesis, the American government asks him to lead the mission to destroy it. MacGruber (Will Forte) assembles his elite team with Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) and Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) to fight Dieter von Cunth (Val Kilmer) and his mercenaries.
Here are a collection of the best and funniest quotes from the 'MacGruber' movie.

Vicki: "Screw you, Cunth!"
Cunth: "Is that an invitation?"
Vicki: "Eww...no."

Tank: "Ahh penis jokes."
MacGruber: "I love sayin' 'em."
Tank: "I love hearin' 'em."
MacGruber: "That's why I say them."
Tank: "That's why I listen."

MacGruber: "I just left an upper-decker in the master bathroom."
Vicki: "What's an upper-decker?"
MacGruber: "Its where you take a shit in the water tank instead of the bowl. Ah, you look lovely."
Cunth: "Thanks for the upper-decker you left me, MacGruber."

Piper: "How did you know I was wearing a bullet-proof vest?"
MacGruber: "You're wearing a bullet-proof vest?!"

Piper: "No way! You just used me as a human shield!"
MacGruber: "You're taking that out of context. I did not use you as a human shield."
Vicki: "Ya kinda did."

MacGruber: "Claaaassic MacGruber..."

Vicki: "I..I peed my jeans."

MacGruber: "Don't worry this is just like Nicaragua."
Vicki: "I got shot in Nicaragua!"
MacGruber: "This is nothing like NIcaragua."

MacGruber: "Don't worry, we're only 7 blocks away, so if anything goes down...."
Vicki: "7 blocks???"
MacGruber: "Okay, you got me on that one. 20 blocks."
Vicki: "There wasn't anything closer?!"
MacGruber: "Nope."
Piper: "There were tons of spots closer."
MacGruber: "Yeah, WITH METERS!"

Vicki: "I'm a virgin."
MacGruber: "Not for long."

MacGruber [during sex with Vicki]: "I'm gonna fill you up."
Vicki: "Yeah, I'm gonna fill you up. I'm gonna fill you up!"
MacGruber: "What? No. Let me do the talking."

MacGruber: "You're companion is a very beautiful young woman."
Cunth: "Thank you."
MacGruber: "I hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am."
Cunth: "This is my daughter."

MacGruber: "If ripping throats gets that warhead back, I'll suck as many d**ks as I've go--I'll rip as many throats as I have to!"

Piper: "But why would he want to kill your wife?"
MacGruber: "I have no idea. We actually all went to college together..."

Are movie audiences ready for MacGruber? Watch the trailer and see for yourself.

Related: Best MacGruber 'SNL' Skits | SNL Sketches That Should Have Been Movies

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Parents Just Don't Understand in the First Trailer for 'Carnage' (VIDEO)

Kids can be cruel, but that's nothing compared to their parents. Such is the thinking behind 'Carnage,' the next film from controversial writer/director Roman Polanski.

Adapted from the play 'God of Carnage' by Yasmina Reza, the story revolves around two sets of parents who get together after one of their kids injures the other on a school playground. What begins as a civil conversation gradually escalates into a chaotic screaming match as tensions come to a boil. Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly play one set of parents, Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz play the other.

It isn't often that we see so much Oscar bait crammed into one space, but click through to check out the international poster and fantastic (if not slightly NSFW) debut trailer for 'Carnage.'

Set for a December 16 release, home schooling never sounded so smart.

So what do you think of the first 'Carnage' trailer?

Photo courtesy of Empire.

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'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop' Review: Late Night Host Needs Laughs, Will Travel

You can't keep a good man down. Or apparently, a good talk show host. The biggest takeaway from 'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop,' a behind-the-scenes documentary about the red-bearded late night host's forced exodus from TV, is that Conan O'Brien has a near pathological drive to perform. He's a man who can't seem to allow himself to take a break, even after he was paid $45 million by his former employer to shut it down for six months.

Whether he's in front of his personal assistant, the writers' table, or a packed concert hall, Conan is constantly seeking an audience. That compulsion is part of what makes him a successful comedian, and it's also what pushed the suddenly unemployed O'Brien on the road last year for a 32-city tour following his exceedingly public dust-up with NBC and Jay Leno. With director Rodman Flender in tow, 'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop' treats us to a candid portrait of a consummate performer who simply doesn't know how to turn himself off. Luckily for Conan, we don't want him to.

Flender provides O'Brien the audience he's looking for in his documentary, which gives Team Coco members a behind-the-scenes look at the comedian's Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour. A former Harvard classmate and friend, Flender approached the ex-'Tonight Show' host shortly after he decided to hit the road in search of an audience. O'Brien's well-documented ouster from NBC is briefly rehashed via Taiwanese animation -- the only real cutesy moment in the film, which otherwise adopts a fly on the wall approach to tracking the comedy tour.

Over a period of two months, O'Brien and his band did 42 shows in 32 cities from Eugene, Oregon to Atlanta, Georgia. He was joined along the way by a roster of special guests, along with a legion of loyal fans who acted as a continued reminder that even if NBC no longer wanted Conan, they sure did. Flender follows O'Brien from the show's improvised beginnings (when they had more tickets sold than bits scripted) to the final curtain, charting the comedian's constant battle with exhaustion and a desire to keep pushing himself with one more joke, one more picture -- a man unable to shut off even on a red-eye to their next stop.

Essentially a concert movie with a few moments of personal insight, 'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop' chronicles a particularly turbulent chapter in Conan's life. And Flender was there at just the right moment to capture it, though one can't help but think a documentary following Conan through the rocky end of his 'Tonight Show' tenure would have been far more compelling.

As is, 'Can't Stop' is an intriguing backstage pass to O'Brien's comedy tour, where he played to sold-out audiences across North America, and where, for the first time in his career, he had people actually paying to see him. In a telling reminder of the devotion of Conan's fan base, we watch as his tour dates are announced only to sell out in a matter of minutes. As much as Conan missed his audience, they clearly missed him right back.

Still, despite this love-in, the O'Brien we see here is a far angrier and more bitter version, one that was already beginning to spill out in his final few episodes of 'The Tonight Show.' His anger at how the whole ordeal was botched so completely and publicly is understandable, and Conan captured public sympathy so strongly in 2010 he became the Sandra Bullock of late night. But while frustration is necessary fuel for any comedian, O'Brien gets increasingly grouchy as the tour moves on, privately bitching about the endless stream of meet-and-greets and extra demands that seemingly pop up out of nowhere.

Flender gets moments that only a friend can, pulling back the curtain as we frequently see an off-the-cuff Conan. But the overgrown class clown can also be a bit of a bully, whether he's pretending to fire his assistant for bringing him fish drenched in butter sauce (an uncomfortable and only half-joking hissy fit) or taking a pre-show moment with former-staffer-turned-'30 Rock'-star Jack McBrayer from playful teasing to overkill.

Conan's well-aware that many of his jokes have a mean edge to them, and admits as much to Flender. But like the title says, he just can't seem to stop himself. O'Brien's consistently funny enough that he gets away with it though, the product of a brain under duress that still keeps firing away. And Flender's portrait of his friend is ultimately sympathetic, since Conan's so clearly giving the fans his all -- night in and night out (even on his supposed days off).

Everyone wants a piece of Conan as the demands pile up, from a pre-show cocktail party to Bonnaroo, where he's obligated to introduce each act as an impromptu emcee. But even though he may complain, we never see him turn an extra gig or an extra autograph down. Conan O'Brien, it seems, also can't say no. Seeing how exhausted he is as the tour winds down, you start to hope someone will step in and try to stop him for his own sake. But then again, NBC tried that already (though for admittedly less altruistic reasons), and look how well that turned out.

'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop' is already playing in the US, but opens across Canada on July 7 for a one night 'Cineplex Entertainment Front Row Centre' Event and then is opening theatrically in Toronto and Vancouver on July 8.

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Conquest of the 'Planet of the Apes': Box Office Report August 5-7

The monkeys have overrun the multiplex. Caesar the Chimp came, saw, and conquered the box office, as 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' outperformed expectations to debut with an estimated $54 million.

The primate prequel had been expected to premiere at No. 1, but with projected sales in the low 40s. Clearly, pundits underestimated the fan love for the 43-year-old franchise. Reviews have been surprisingly positive, especially for Andy Serkis, who plays Caesar via motion-capture, as he did when he played King Kong for Peter Jackson six years ago. And viewers have apparently forgiven leading man James Franco for his asleep-at-the-wheel performance as Oscar host, since 'Rise' marks the best weekend debut of his career (not counting the 'Spider-Man' movies, where he played a supporting role).

Holding on to second place was 'The Smurfs,' which declined just 41 percent from last week's surprise smash opening, down to an estimated $21.0 million, for a 10-day total of $76.2 million. The only movie for young kids among recent openings, the tale of the tiny blue people was expected to have long legs.

On the other hand, movies targeting young adults and men over 25 were hit hard by the unexpectedly strong start of 'Apes.' 'Cowboys & Aliens,' which barely edged out 'Smurfs' last week, fell to third with an estimated $15.7 million, down 57 percent from its debut. (It had been expected to fall to about $17 million.) Its 10-day total is $67.4 million. Expect it to continue to slide steeply as fresher genre movies come out over the next couple of weekends.

The movie most tripped up by the 'Apes' banana peel was this week's other new wide release, 'The Change-Up.' With its strong comic pedigree (from the writers of 'The Hangover' and the director of 'Wedding Crashers'), the film was predicted to join this summer's long list of successful, raunchy R-rated comedies with a likely opening of around $19 million. Instead, the Jason Bateman-Ryan Reynolds body-switch comedy opened with a weak $13.5 million, according to estimates. Blame middling-to-weak reviews, blame the still-strong 'Horrible Bosses' (also starring Bateman, and still in the top 10), or blame those damn dirty apes.

(A moment of sympathy, please, for Olivia Wilde. First 'Cowboys,' then 'Change-Up.' That's two underperforming debuts in two weeks.)

In fifth place, 'Captain America: The First Avenger'' also suffered a bit from monkeymania. It fell 49 percent to an estimated $13.0 million. In three weekends, it's earned $143.1 million.

Overall, the box-office gap between 2011 and the first seven months of last year narrowed a little. It's now 4.5 percent, or $308.8 million behind sales this time in 2010. Not even 'Apes' and this month's other potential hits are expected to earn enough to close the gap and catch up to last year before the end of the summer.

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' - Trailer No. 1

The full top 10:
1. 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' $54.0 million (3,648 screens), new release
2. 'The Smurfs,' $21.0 million (3,395), $76.2 million total
3. 'Cowboys & Aliens,' $15.7 million (3,754), $67.4 million
4. 'The Change-Up,' $13.5 million (2,913), new release
5. 'Captain America: The First Avenger,' $13.0 million (3,620), $143.1 million
6. 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2,' $12.2 million (3,175), $342.8 million
7. 'Crazy, Stupid, Love,' $12.1 million (3,020), $42.2 million
8. 'Friends With Benefits,' $4.7 million (2,398), $48.5 million
9. 'Horrible Bosses,' $4.6 million (2,025), $105.2 million
10. 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon,' $3.0 million (1,854), $344.2 million

Follow Gary Susman on Twitter: @garysusman.

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12 Fun (and Depressing) Stats From The 83rd Academy Awards

The 83rd Academy Awards are over, and not a minute too soon for most viewers. No major surprises in the big categories; even the most ardent believers in David Fincher cannot feign adequate shock that Best Director matched the Director's Guild choice for the 56 in 60 tries (not counting Steven Spielberg & Ron Howard who were not nominated after winning DGA, respectively, in 1985 & 1995.)

When Tom Hanks took the stage to introduce the first two awards of the night with a few nifty stats, it looked as if the Oscars were trying to steal the shtick of us Oscarwatching statisticians. Though really what kind of stat is a film winning Best Picture, Art Direction & Cinematography? An odd combo that means little to the numbers geeks and probably even less to the young viewers they were trying to court with their new hosts. The show pretty much dropped the stats game after Hanks' intro, but we thought we would dig a little to find a few more interesting tidbits, whether you like it or not.

1. 'The King's Speech' became the 11th film since 1975 to win Best Picture without benefit of a single victory in the technical department. The other ten are 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', 'Annie Hall', 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Ordinary People', 'Terms of Endearment', 'Rain Man', 'The Silence of the Lambs', 'A Beautiful Mind', 'Million Dollar Baby', and 'No Country for Old Men.'

2. 'True Grit' joins 'The Turning Point' and 'The Color Purple' as films with double-digit nominations to leave without winning a single award. For the second straight year, four of the ten Best Picture nominees went home empty-handed. (NOTE: 'Turning' & 'Purple' received 11 nominations with 0 wins. Martin Scorsese's 'Gangs of New York' received 10 nods and went home empty.)

3. 'Inception' became only the 8th film in Oscar history to win Visual Effects and both Sound Oscars (Mixing & Editing) in 33 years of their co-existence. Christopher Nolan's film joins the company of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', 'E.T.', 'Terminator 2', 'Jurassic Park', 'Titanic', 'The Matrix' and Peter Jackson's 'King Kong.'

4. Colin Firth joins 33 other actors to appear in three Oscar-winning Best Pictures, including his 'English Patient' nemesis, Ralph Fiennes - whose fellow cameoing co-star in 'The Hurt Locker', Guy Pearce, joins Russell Crowe and Michael Pena as the only actors in this century to appear in back-to-back Best Picture winners.

5. Christian Bale won the Oscar with his first nomination. Colin Firth, Natalie Portman, and Melissa Leo won Oscars for second. That is better luck than fellow actors Amy Adams and Annette Bening who are now 0-for-3 and 0-for-4 respectively. Also coming up empty on his fourth try was composer Alexandre Desplat. Plus, a favorite in many circles, Roger Deakins, lost the Cinematography Oscar for the ninth time (five of them for working with the Coens), making him the most (or least) honored living cinematographer. Only George J. Folsey ('Seven Brides for Seven Brothers') received more nominations (13) without winning an Oscar.

6. Melissa Leo's win was only the 16th out of 50 times that the winner of one of the supporting categories was victorious over an actor from their own film. The last time was 2002 when Catherine Zeta-Jones defeated Queen Latifah for 'Chicago.'

7. This was only the 8th time in Oscar history that the two supporting categories boasted winners from the same film:

1951: Karl Malden & Kim Hunter 'A Streetcar Named Desire'
1953: Frank Sinatra & Donna Reed 'From Here To Eternity'
1957: Red Buttons & Miyoshi Umeki 'Sayonara'
1961: George Chakiris & Rita Moreno 'West Side Story'
1971: Ben Johnson & Cloris Leachman 'The Last Picture Show'
1977: Jason Robards & Vanessa Redgrave 'Julia'
1986: Michael Caine & Dianne Wiest 'Hannah & Her Sisters'
2010: Christian Bale & Melissa Leo 'The Fighter'

8. Since 1967 when the category was condensed into a single award, Costume Design has matched up with the winner of Art Direction 24-out-of-44 times, including the most recent victor, 'Alice In Wonderland.' The last time a film won both the Art Direction & Costume Oscars was 2005 with 'Memoirs of a Geisha,' which marked the end of a five-year streak for this feat. All three of Colleen Atwood's victories also saw her film win Best Art Direction as well, including 'Alice in Wonderland', 'Memoirs of a Geisha', and 'Chicago.'

9. Rick Baker won his seventh Oscar for 'The Wolfman' on the 30th anniversary of him winning the inaugural award for Best Makeup for 'An American Werewolf In London.'

10. 'The Social Network' became only the third film in Oscar history to win Best Editing and a Screenplay award and not win Best Picture. The others were 'A Place In The Sun' (1951), 'Witness' (1985), and 'Traffic' (2000)

11. If you do not count Tom Hooper's first feature, 'Red Dust', which played the 2004 Toronto Film Festival before hitting UK television and an eventual DVD release, he joins the likes of still-living heavyweights Mike Nichols ('The Graduate'), Michael Cimino ('The Deer Hunter'), Warren Beatty ('Reds') and Mel Gibson ('Braveheart'), all of whom won Best Director for only their second released directorial feature.

12. At 3 hrs and 15 mins, it was the 2nd shortest Oscarcast since 1986. It trailed only 2005's ceremony by a single minute, proving the old joke about the food sucking - and such small portions too.

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'Toy Story 2' Best Movie Quotes

In 'Toy Story 2', Woody (Tom Hanks) is stolen by a toy collector who recognizes him as a very rare action figure from an old popular western TV show. Woody completes his collection of memorabilia, which he plans to sell for a very high price. The rest of the toys hatch a plan to go out in the real world and rescue Woody, while Woody struggles to decide whether he wants to return to Andy, who is growing up and less interested in him, or whether he wants to be on display in a museum with the rest of the toys from his show.

Here are the best quotes from 'Toy Story 2' as we await the highly anticipated 'Toy Story 3'.

In 'Toy Story 2', Woody (Tom Hanks) is stolen by a toy collector who recognizes him as a very rare action figure from an old popular western TV show. Woody completes his collection of memorabilia, which he plans to sell for a very high price. The rest of the toys hatch a plan to go out in the real world and rescue Woody, while Woody struggles to decide whether he wants to return to Andy, who is growing up and less interested in him, or whether he wants to be on display in a museum with the rest of the toys from his show.

Here are the best quotes from 'Toy Story 2' as we await the highly anticipated 'Toy Story 3'.

Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) [looking at the street]: "We'll have to cross."
Mr. Potato Head: "You're not turning me into a mashed potato!"
Slinky Dog: "I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is."

Bo Peep (Annie Potts): This is for Woody, when you find him.
[She kisses Buzz]
Buzz: Um, okay, but it won't be the same coming from me.

Woody: What's that? Jessie and Prospector are trapped in the old abandoned mine and Prospector just lit a stick of dynamite thinking it was a candle and now they're about to be blown to smithereens?

Al (Wayne Knight): You are deliberately taking advantage of people in a hurry!

Rex (Wallace Shawn): How do you spell FBI?

Woody: Well, Stinky Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of playtime.

Woody: Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay.

Mrs. Potato Head (Estelle Harris): I'm packing you an extra pair of shoes and your angry eyes, just in case.

Woody: I can't stop Andy from growing up. But I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Mrs. Potato Head: Oh, it's so nice to have a big, strong spud around the house.

Buzz Lightyear: It's okay, troops. The antigravity sickness will wear off momentarily. Now let's move!
Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles): Remind me to glue his helmet shut when we get back.

Check out the new 'Toy Story 3' trailer

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Kate Beckinsale Bares More Than Her Teeth in Fourth 'Underworld'

Oh that Kate Beckinsale. She started out doing Shakespeare, Jane Austin and Whit Stillman, then segued to the dark side with her signature role as Selene in 'Underworld' and 'Underworld: Evolution,' then tried her hand at serious fare again with 'Fragments' and 'Nothing But the Truth.' Now she's returning to her bloody ways in 'Underworld: Awakening' in which she reprises her role as the superhuman werewolf hunter (Beckinsale skipped the third outing, the prequel 'Underworld: Rise of the Lycans').

In 'Awakening,' Selene comes out of a 12-year-induced coma to find a world in which humans have discovered the truth about vampires and Lycans and are waging an all-out war against them. To make things even more interesting, she finds out that she has a pre-teen daughter somewhere in the world. Naturally, she goes after her daughter, killing a lot of evil humans and Lycans along the way.

Screen Gems has just released a trailer for 'Awakening,' which starts with Beckinsale au naturel before escaping her captivity and donning her skin-tight black leather catsuit. It kind of reminds us of the beginning of 'Resident Evil: Apocalypse,' when Alice wakes up nude and alone in a hospital room.

'Underworld: Awakening' will arrive Jan. 20, 2012, in 3D.

Check out the slam-bam trailer after the jump.

Tip o' the hat to Inside Movies.

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